4 ▫️ Go with the flow

A bumpy patch of road always seems to take me by surprise — even when I see it coming. Potholes feel worse than they appear; curves in the road seem sharper once I get into them; and I seldom feel like I've slowed down enough for either one. So it should come as no surprise to me that there would be bumps and turns in my journey that is ‘making the life I want’…but it still surprises me when I encounter them. 

I have been struggling for a week now to put my many thoughts into writing and to share this leg of the journey with you all, but for some reason, I've been blocked. I wouldn't call it writer’s block, because I know what to say and I feel strongly about the subject(s), but the words just won't come. Since I'm striving to make this writing thing more than just a hobby, I'm curious to know if this is an issue that anyone else deals with, or if it's just something I need to get over, or both. 

Here's why I ask:

Some years ago, I was sitting in bed getting ready to turn in for the night, when I felt an overwhelming urge to start writing. Looking back now, I realize where the drive originated, but at the time, it didn't matter. My hand couldn't move the pencil quickly enough to keep up with the words flowing out of my brain. For some odd reason, not only was I writing a story, but…it rhymed. I'm not a poet by any means, but this story just had to rhyme. I was up for hours putting it all down, and then breathlessly fine-tuning it when I was done. Actually, it's more accurate to say ‘when IT was done’, because whatever this thing was, it was definitely in the driver’s seat. 

I got up the nerve to have someone else read it a couple of weeks later. I chose someone whose opinion would be objective, based on content and not sentimentality. After reading it, he told me that it was rough — the meter was inconsistent, and most traditional poetry conventions were completely ignored — but it was compelling. 

I can't think of a better compliment. 

I’ve had similar experiences since then. The first thing I wrote when I made up my mind to start writing again came of its own volition, while I had a baby sleeping on my chest. I wrote on my tablet for an hour and when I was done, 700+ words later, I thought maybe I had a shot a this writing game after all. A writer friend/colleague of mine reviewed it for me and encouraged me to go full steam ahead. My first two posts on this blog arrived the same way (sans sleeping baby). 

I think the reason I haven't posted anything in a while is that I'm not feeling that flow. This is Draft 4 of Post 4. Each one has been different, on a different subject, but they have all been struggles, and I can feel the struggle as I read my own words. 

This morning I had my husband read Draft 3. I'm not sure why; normally I only have him read finalized stuff. I think I was looking for some direction or advice. He read it and said that it was good, but…

And then we came to the conclusion: I was processing, not posting. 

The dots started to get connected. That story all those years ago was a vehicle for me to process some very complicated emotions, and I allowed my subconscious mind to show me what was going on in my heart. Flash forward to today: this stretch of my emotional journey has been rocky, pit-ridden, treacherous. Writing about it definitely helped me gain some perspective, but it doesn't feel cathartic, and it doesn't make for great reading material. Why not? Perhaps because it springs from my conscious mind. I've been analyzing things too intently, trying to make logical sense out of emotional responses. 

This post finally has some flow, but it took a really long time for me to feel that. As a writer, writing for other people, writing what they ask me to write, I have to know that I'm not going to be impelled by every subject, nor even be emotionally attached. These subjects will have to be thought about logically, and presented in a logical manner. How can I build that fire? If you are reading this and you are a writer, how do YOU build that fire? I don't mean the kind of fire that keeps you in this field; I mean the fire behind your blog post, your article, or whatever you're working on. 

I know I want to write, and this keeps my foot on the gas pedal. I'll just keep moving ahead, and I'm getting ready to set some small goals that will move me outside of my comfort zone and into the field of freelance writing. Hopefully I'll have news to share on that front soon! 

In the meantime, I'll be looking forward to any feedback or suggestions you might have, and I'm grateful to all of you who have stopped in to check out this blog. The results so far have been beyond my expectations — thank you!